Facebook: To Friend or Not to Friend?

I’m on Facebook and I’ve thought of getting off that train. Maybe I’ll keep my account open, even if I don’t use it very much. A good friend of mine has taken this minimalist approach to Facebook and I’m leaning that way too.

People who are permanent residents of Facebook-land may think I’m a stuffy, unsociable stick-in-the-mud. And I’m cool with that – freedom of opinion and all that.

For the record though, I enjoy connecting and interacting with interesting people. It’s just that I haven’t found Facebook to be an effective communication tool. And I’m not speaking for everyone here, so your mileage may vary.

So what do I have against Facebook? Mostly, I dislike the fake friends. I know some people think words can mean anything they’d like them to mean, but I don’t agree.

To me, a friend is someone with whom I have a genuine relationship, someone I interact with (online, over the phone, face-to-face – whatever) from time to time. A friend is NOT:

-       someone who never replies to my messages or returns my calls;

-       someone who doesn’t want to have a one-to-one conversation with me;

-       someone from my (recent or distant) past who sends me a friend request, but doesn’t have the courtesy to add a brief note saying who they are, where we met and why they want to (re)connect with me.

Adding friends is so easy!

When I first joined Facebook, I was mouse-happy, meaning I just clicked to accept everyone who’d sent me a friend request.

Well, except for a few requests from imperfect (and weird-looking) strangers who looked like they wanted someone to stalk. I’m not counting those.

But several mouse clicks later, and after being seriously disappointed by the fakeness of some ‘friends’, I have reclaimed my right to define ‘friend’ for myself. I’m more discerning now.

I don’t accept friend requests from everyone who resurfaces from my past. If a request doesn’t include a personal note, I usually don’t accept it.

If it’s from someone I was close to, then I might send them a message asking why they want to add me to their list of friends. And depending on their answer, I may approve their request.

Some people don’t bother to reply and when that happens, I assume they added me on impulse and they have since decided it wasn’t such a good idea. That makes it real easy for me to reject their request.

I don’t understand why some people want to add me to their friends list. Maybe it’s because it’s so easy to click on the ‘Add’ button.

Or maybe they’ve got lots of time on their hands and want a peek into other people’s lives. Social networking voyeurs, perhaps? Who knows?

The case of the vanishing friends

I think some of the friend requests I’ve received are strange. I guess people act strangely sometimes.

Like the friend from way back who sent me a frantic friend request, saying they’d been looking all over the world for me. It seemed like they were really keen to get back in touch.

So I added this friend and emailed them right away. For old times’ sake. We used to be good friends many years ago.

They didn’t write back. Ever. And I knew this friend was still active on Facebook because they updated their profile. Rather frequently too.

After a couple of months, there was still no reply to my email. So I removed this friend from my list. I didn’t want anyone on there that seemed too busy to communicate with me personally. No, status updates don’t count.

Then there was another blast from my past that sent me an eager ‘I’ve missed you and I’m so glad I’ve found you’ message. Along with a friend request. Sweet.

I added this friend and replied to her message. We exchanged a couple more emails.

Then my friend did a first-class disappearing act.

She was still active on Facebook, updating  her status and adding new photos. Maybe I’d just slipped off her radar, or gone down on her Friends List.

Several emails later, I realized this friend had vanished into my past, and I decided to leave them there. So I de-friended them.

Moral: some friendships only last for so long and then you’ve gotta move on. Not all past relationships can be revived on Facebook.

Real friends

You may think I’m uptight about the whole ‘friending’ thing, but that’s how I roll. I don’t want to be just a bunch of lifeless letters on someone’s Facebook list. I want to engage with my friends.

And I don’t mean being blasted with pseudo-exciting what-are-you-doing messages. I mean, who really has the time to read all that stuff?

I’m looking for authentic relationships, on Facebook and everywhere else. I don’t have time to play the now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t game with anyone.

Do you think there’s method in my madness?

I want Facebook friends who will take the time to interact with me, share ideas, talk about stuff. At least once a year. Is that really too much to ask?

Notice I didn’t say I was looking for friends to play games and do quizzes with me. That would be a huge time suck for me. No offence if that’s your thing.

And I’m not going to join any causes or groups or fan pages either. Nothing personal – I just can’t do everything (something, I’ve slowly and painfully come to realize).

And so I prune my list of Facebook friends from time to time. Here’s why.

I like to re-evaluate my connections and decide which ones to keep and which to cut loose.

I don’t want a huge collection of ‘friends’ for whom I’m just another name on their list. I’d rather have fewer friends who take the time to communicate with me.

What about you? How do you use Facebook? Do you think I’m over-analyzing this friending thing? Please share your thoughts and experiences below.